creativity – BACCA Literary

Don’t let conflict block your creativity

Of the many roadblocks I face as a writer nothing kills my creativity quicker than conflict with beloved family members and friends. The very same sensitivity that gives me my writing voice also makes me keenly vulnerable to harsh words and deeds. Angry confrontations are as debilitating as physical trauma, a metaphorical car wreck that incapacitates me for days or even weeks.

Has this happened to you?

You’re humming along, ideas are flowing then BAM, an argument, a conflict, an unkind word. You feel disrespected and unheard. You’re angry and hurt. You run the conflict over and over in your head. You can’t sleep. Your introspection kicks in and overrides your sense of self. Were you at fault? Should you apologize? Humble yourself? You try to rationalize your point of view. You work to find potholes in theirs. You consider never speaking to them again. You consider demanding an apology. You consider a hundred different things that all prevent you from returning to your writing.
With family holidays looming there are many possible points of contention. But how do you stop obsessing over hurt feelings? How to do you stop replaying the conflict over and over in your head? How do you put that aside and return to your muse?

Putting the conflict aside.

I recently had a conflict that consumed me for weeks. It was in my head when I went to sleep at night and when I woke up. I replayed my part in the conflict over and over and replayed theirs over and over, trying to figure out who was right and who was wrong. I was angry and hurt and afraid. Not only to confront the other party but also to lose them in my life. It became an emotional tug of war that I couldn’t put aside. I spoke to a trusted ally about my struggle, and they suggested a couple of action plans:

ONE: Write down what happened and write down how it made me feel. Give it a chance to breathe and dissipate.

TWO: Write a letter to the other party with no intention of sending it. Tell them all of my anger and outrage and disappointment but keep the letter locked up on my computer.

What if writing isn’t enough? What if the only way to find resolution is to confront the other party? How can you address what happened and how it made you feel?

Consider using Situation-Behavior-Impact, or (SBI)™ to address how your feel.

The Center for Creative Leadership website describes SBI as

clarifying the Situation,

describing the Behavior,

and sharing the Impact.

Then, if you like, you can explore intentions vs. impact with the other party.

Here’s a simple example:

Me: “At our recent gathering I wanted to leave early.” (Situation)
Them: “I remember.”
Me: “You insisted I stay longer.”
Them: “Yes, I know.”
Me: “You raised your voice to me” (Behavior) “and that hurt my feelings” (Impact)
Them: “I didn’t realize I’d hurt your feelings, but I felt you were being… …..” (Explore intentions vs impact)

Learn more about using the Situation-Behavior-Impact approach at the Center for Creative Leadership Website: https://www.ccl.org/articles/leading-effectively-articles/closing-the-gap-between-intent-vs-impact-sbii/

And find your muse again!

Gotta-Gotta Has Its Uses

It’s snowing as I write this on a Sunday afternoon in January. The white stuff has been coming down in central Virginia steadily and relentlessly for more than five hours. It’s expected to continue for quite a while, after which it might shift to freezing rain tonight.

When it snowed here two weeks ago, my neighborhood lost power. Living in a completely electric-powered dwelling, I was left without heat, light, and internet, and did not have the use of kitchen appliances. Lucky for me, the power came back on later that evening. (For some people in the area, the power was out for as long as a full week. The public utility – cough – Dominion Energy – cough – has a lot to answer for.)

When the weather predictions about this snowfall began several days ago, reports differed from one source to another. The chatty woman at the UPS store told me to expect over a foot of snow. NOAA’s forecast predicted half of that. Two apps on my phone disagreed – because it’s impossible to predict the future. Even for weather experts.

I noticed I was feeling keyed up and udgy this weekend, and I knew why. Those cold, dark hours earlier this month, when the public utility gave us no projected time the power might be restored, were uncomfortable and full of uncertainty. Were a lot more of those hours heading my way? Thoughts – planning, list-making, trading bits of advice with friends – occupied my attention as I went through the steps. Do the laundry. Whiz up extra nutrition-packed blender drinks and keep them outdoors in a thermal carrier. Doublecheck that the shelf-stable food supplies are plenteous and accessible. Fill the thermos with boiling water. Go for a long walk the day before the storm was due, even in cold weather, because there may not be any walking possible for a while. Complete all the next several days’ essential desk tasks, just in case I won’t have the use of a computer. Make contingency plans with friends who have 4-wheel drive and/or a spare room, if my power goes out and theirs stays on. Sad to say, I’m developing a bad-weather routine. It did not include creative writing – not even this blog post.

a metal thermos bottle with the cap off — *Fill the thermos*. Image from PIxabay.

My usual weekend sort-of routine has been disrupted. I’ll admit that I enjoy a certain amount of routine in my weekends, especially during the past 20-odd pandemic months. If it’s Sunday, it’s time for a long walk in the woods, followed by a laundry or two. If it’s Saturday, I get to read a book. I might do more in the kitchen than during the week, fixing something for dinner that requires longer prep time, or baking. Typically, in an aspect of my weekends that I treasure, these activities all happen without deadlines or timetables. I mosey from one thing to another, taking breaks as they happen.

It felt like all those relaxed weekend possibilities went – poof – once it was clear this snowstorm was coming. The “gotta-gotta” engine was running things. That engine used to run my life a lot, and am grateful that it doesn’t so much, these days. My body remembers how, though. The elevated heart rate, shorter breaths, easily distracted thinking – oh yeah. Like riding a bicycle. As I explain in the “Come to Mama” tool in my book, FLOAT, “A self-defeating, buzzing energy I’ve come to call ‘gotta-gotta’ takes over when I’ve been in the land of windowless light, filtered air, and hard surfaces for too long. Gotta-gotta is the welcome mat for workaholism, compulsion, and further depletion. In the throes of gotta-gotta, proportion and balance don’t have a chance to be taken seriously.”

I noticed gotta-gotta taking over this weekend. While I understood the wisdom of making plans to take care of myself and my short-term obligations, I didn’t want to see my hard-won equanimity buried in a snowdrift until springtime. I wanted to use the gotta-gotta when it was called for, and then drop back down into something that works better long term – something calmer and deeper. There’s good news on that front.

I’m glad to report that, although it’s still snowing, I’m getting to the end of this blog post. This wasn’t possible to write while in the throes of gotta-gotta. So, although there are now several inches of snow outside my front door, and they’ll need to be dealt with before I can venture out, it’s also true that indoors the lights are still on, my heartbeat is back to normal, and I plan to fix another cup of tea as soon as I wrap up this post.

*Another cup of tea*. Photo by Ayla Palermo

Stay safe and sound, everyone. Here’s to calming down enough to write.

— A M Carley writes fiction and nonfiction, and is a founding member of BACCA. Through Anne Carley Creative she provides creative coaching and full-service editing to writers and other creative people. Decks of her 52 FLOAT Cards for Writers are available from Amazon. Anne’s writer handbook, FLOAT • Becoming Unstuck for Writers, is available for purchase from central Virginia booksellers, at Bookshop.org, and on Amazon.